Most women try to get a man to chase them using low value methods.
The reason for this is usually because they are scared. It could also be because they listened to someone who told them to do the wrong kinds of things.
Perhaps they lack understanding about attraction, connection and relationships.
Almost every man and woman wants to win in the game of love.
Given the choice, most of us rather be chased than do the chasing. We’d rather be pursued than be the pursuer. (Afterall, there’s less risk that way.)
Ironically, while women often think it’s a man’s job to “chase”, little do they realise that plenty of men out there are lapping up dating advice on ‘how to make her chase you’.
No, these are not just “beta”, “feminine” or “weaker” men. They are men.
Men (not so dissimilar to you) who like to feel that they have a bit of control, and that they are the ones who have the mating value.
Remember that there’s little risk associated with the one being chased. Most of the risk is carried by the chaser.
Dating and love are inherently uncertain. This uncertainty makes many of us like to take the path with less perceived ‘risk’.
Hence why we prefer to know what makes a man chase a woman! We’d rather a guy chase us, than have ourselves do any chasing.
See, this whole game of “the chase”, is independent of gender. I know many women don’t want to hear this, but it’s true.
Men are hunters, and hunters chase…..right?
There is a sentiment amongst women that men “should” do the chasing. After all, men are traditionally hunters and hunters chase… right?
Well, that makes sense on the surface, until you look deeper.
And if you do the research, which I have done for you, you’ll realize that throughout history and in every continent, men and women have both hunted.
For your reference, just read this study on the Mbuti Pygmies of Zaire…To quote:
“The overall pace of the hunt is so leisurely that old people and mothers with infants may join.”
Or this study which showed archaeological evidence of hunts that involved women-men partnerships.
Sure, women aren’t physically as strong or as equipped as men to spend days hunting large game, but they still hunted what they could.
In other words, women were operating on their natural instincts to provide, too.
They weren’t entitled, and rather, they took responsibility for contributing where they could.
So the harsh truth is that you can’t use the notion that men are the “hunters” in order to justify not taking any perceived risks when it comes to love.
After all, many men want to, and enjoy knowing how to be the one being chased, too.
Why do you think many men work so hard to get to the top?
Why do men become athletes, musicians, politicians, entrepreneurs, poets, actors, and artists of various kinds?
It is to raise their own value.
And they know then, that the women will come. Reliably.
Sure, some men simply have a passion for sport, music or being in a position of power.
But isn’t it interesting that all of these occupations inevitably lead to higher perceived status and thus mate value?
Isn’t it interesting also, that these occupations also lead to better access to a wider pool of women?
When a man is in a position of power, women will flock to him.
In the west we are bathed in pressure to be more politically correct; and to ignore these facts.
But the truth is, we are creatures of nature and we come in-built with the desire to win in nature’s game of love.
So, go and ask any super successful musician or athlete. The pool of women to choose from who will willingly throw themselves at your feet, is….mind boggling.
And guess what? When the guy is desirable enough, women chase willingly. They’re called groupies, or fan girls. If the man has enough value, he’ll never have to “chase”.
So this whole wanting to be chased rather than being the one doing the chasing, is a human thing.
Now, I’m certainly not going to tell you how to chase men! Because you shouldn’t. I have an article titled “Do not Chase Him. Initiate in High Value Ways Instead.”
And this article here shows you how to initiate with a guy to get a boyfriend.
Chasing is never high value…
I wouldn’t advise men to go out and chase women either. It’s low value behaviour all around.
Let’s look at the definition of chase. It is defined as
‘The act of pursuing someone or something.” and “to pursue in order to catch or catch up with”.
Chasing implies that you need value from the guy (or girl). So you pursue them.
In dating, if you chase blindly, you will run the risk of men running the other way.
The smart men know.
They feel it when women are hanging off them or trying to “catch up with them” for their resources.
And they will be repelled, because there’s no value for them in such an interaction!
Should you play the dating “game” & get guys to chase you?
It’s the words no one wants to say out loud. But those who want to win in love, to get the best mate possible, and have the hottest and most successful kids, have a tough game to play.
It’s the game of love.
…Which is why you’re here, reading this.
Those who claim that they don’t care about “the game”, and don’t want to win, are often in despair from lost love.
Or, they are the people who have tried and lost hope. Perhaps for varying reasons, some never felt like they could win in the game of love, so they feel as though they may as well give up and exit the game completely.
Like this lady in my facebook group (who is evidently very attractive, funny and nice to converse with).
I’ve seen several posts like this in my group, and I think it’s a testament to how much we all long for love. And want to find our mate.
So it’s a good thing that you’re here, reading this. Because we’re about to make the mating game, and being valued by men, much easier for you.
When do women typically want to know how to be chased by a man?
Since 2009, I’ve had women ask me “how to make him chase you?”, “how do I play hard to get?”
And whilst I respect these questions, and I have good answers which I will give you in this article, I also think there are much better quality questions for you to ask.
You see, my 11 years of experience have shown me that the women who typically ask “how to make a man chase you” are often the women who (at least right now), feel like they are in a situation where they are out of control.
They are also often the women who already feel like they’ve either lowered their value, or think they’ve made the mistake of chasing too much.
So now they want to pull back a bit and make him chase her.
The reason for this is that they see the whole situation as one-sided. In other words, it’s either me or him doing the chasing.
But neither is ideal.
Ideally you would have hyper-attunement with a man, and so you’d be chasing each other. That’s called falling in love.
Regardless, out of respect for your desire to have dignity, and to win nature’s game of love, I will discuss some things on how to get him to chase you.
But I will not be doing this without warning.
Anyone who has followed me long enough knows that I don’t teach nor condone the typical methods for winning in dating.
I teach what works in the long-term. I teach skills. I teach understanding. I teach adding value.
And that’s the thing that is missing in so many of the short term methods, or damage control methods we try to use to get what we want.
Whilst I think playing the game is important, I have strong convictions and better solutions.
And these are the solutions I hope you will hear as you read this, and I hope you’ll know that I am encouraging you to actually take the high value path instead.
In fact, we have a whole program on this called “High Value Mindsets”. (The promise of this program is to give you the ability to “trade in” your anxiety and insecurities for self esteem, self worth and intrinsic confidence, so that no one will ever take you for granted & high value men will recognise you as an indispensable “keeper”.)
Too many women take actions from resentment, pain, and fear.
This is a recipe for disaster, and it will only attract men with low esteem and poor attachment patterns.
I’ll discuss what is far more critical to your success at having high value men want you for the rest of your life.
Because there’s a secret about getting men to chase you that only high value women know. I will also share what that secret is.
How to make him chase you: Make things uncertain
Oscar Wilde once said:
“The essence of romance is uncertainty”.
When you show a guy that you are too keen, you risk scaring him off.
And the same goes for men. If they show a woman that they are too keen, it can scare a woman off.
Because it’s not uncertain enough, there’s no mystery, and doesn’t allow the feelings of attraction to build.
This also has roots in biology. The lovely Helen Fisher has said that early acquisition of a reward reduces the duration and intensity of dopamine activity in the brain, while a delay in winning stimulates it.
This is the rationale behind age old love games, like playing hard to get.
Delayed rewards equals heightened desire
Interestingly, thinking back on my own romantic life, I remember when my husband and I first met.
He asked me out 5 times before I actually said yes. The whole courtship process was drawn out over many weeks and months.
I didn’t do this from a place of wanting to play hard to get, but because I was genuinely uncertain and scared of being hurt.
I had only JUST gotten out of a relationship where I had been cheated on (more than once).
So…I was understandably still feeling mixed feelings about getting involved with someone again. (Plus his very masculine demeanor added to our differences, and made me even more suspicious. LOL.)
There was another, sneakier reason why I was happy to draw it out, and that’s because I actually really liked him, and I was falling in love.
So knowing all that, it became quite important to me to take my time.
But on top of this small fact, both my husband and I experienced a lot of uncertainty in securing our relationship in the initial couple of years.
These were genuine barriers or adversities put in the way by life. Think Romeo and Juliet.
Yeah. Those kinds of life barriers.
And these adversities only repeatedly built our desire for each other, and delayed our gratification. I talk more about how to create uncertainty and novelty in my article on How To Make Him Miss You (Backed By Psychology). Read that article here.
To this day, those associations built early on have shaped the quality of our love and attraction for each other.
Showing too much interest versus not showing enough interest…
See, when men and women woo each other, they walk the fine line of showing too much interest, versus showing not enough interest.
And that’s a very real challenge, of which you can try to conquer with low value methods, or high value methods.
Otherwise, you will risk turning men off (and losing) the best quality men.
So I’m going to share with you the typical, low value ways in which women like to make guys chase them.
And then I’ll show you the smarter way to go about making him chase you, and winning this mating game.
Make him chase you by using short term tactics?
So if the key to making him chase you is to create uncertainty, then what are the ways women typically like to get a man to chase them?
There’s many ways women try to get men to chase them. Often, these ways try to capitalize on making a man fear losing her.
Women assume that if a man when a man is afraid of losing you, that this fear will somehow get her what she wants.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Is it a good thing when a man is afraid of losing you?
Let’s get one thing straight here.
Making a man scared of losing you doesn’t “work” to get you his deep commitment.
Because it doesn’t make men feel the attraction and connection they need to feel in order to actually, truly commit.
It’s just a desperate last attempt to extract value from the guy, when he likely never intended to commit or make you his one and only in the first place.
If he’s coming forward due to fear, that’s the weakest, lowest value method you could use to try to ‘induce’ more commitment and attention from your man.
Fear doesn’t = love.
If you have to induce fear in a guy to get him to chase you, then he never belonged to you.
A man will only belong to you if he sees you as his one and only.
Anything else, and he’s just keeping you around to serve himself.
Anyone can use the tactic of inducing fear of loss. Friends do it. Family does it. If fear has to be the motivator, and if fear is the thing that makes a man come forward, then he never valued you to begin with.
Now let’s talk about the common strategies women use to try to get men to chase them…
Here are the “common” ways women try to make a guy chase them:
Use the 80/20 rule
This is a rule women use for contacting a man. Basically, they only initiate contact 20% of the time, and they make the guy initiate contact with them the other 80% of the time.
A lot of women claim it works.
After I wrote my article “Why The 80/20 Rule of Contact Will Likely Make You LOSE Him”, just as many women have told me in my facebook group and via comments on various platforms, that this method only got them low quality guys.
Here’s an example from my group:
When people say something “works”, you have to think critically.
Works in what way? For what purpose?
And, at what price?
What’s the real outcome in one week? And then in one month, one year and then 10 years down the track?
Is their “strategy” a new skill they’re adding to themselves? Or is it simply a way to withhold and take less risk?
Is it a way to add real self esteem to themselves, or is it just petty, controlling behaviour?
Does their strategy lead to real attraction and falling in love with an actual high value man?
Or does it result moreso in a power play?
Because if it makes the guy come forward and chase you, that’s no guarantee that the guy values you.
When a man values you for a relationship, he doesn’t just “chase” you to get some tail or some excitement.
When men value you they will want to make you their “one and only” woman, (rather than the one of many woman). They will want to own your soul. They want to invest in you to the exclusion of all others.
They want to love every last inch of your very existence.
They want your soul, because they know that’s the only way to truly make you their own, and to ensure that your womb, your fidelity, and your faithfulness belongs to them.
So just because he chases you, that’s no guarantee that he cares to be with you for a real long-term, committed relationship.
There’s also no guarantee that you’re attracting an emotionally healthy guy.
On the topic of emotionally healthy, here’s an article I wrote on Emotionally Unavailable Men: Signs & How To Deal With Them.
If you used value-extracting or even abusive tactics to make him chase you, and he responds by doing what you wanted, it doesn’t mean he’s great. It means he’s tolerating being used and abused.
Yes, it shows that he is coming forward. But men come towards you for many different reasons! A lot of them are not good reasons!
Also, in other news, in case anyone is forgetting the obvious…men are human too.
Smart, attuned guys will never fall in love with a woman who withholds herself…
Acknowledging that, we owe it to ourselves to remember that the smart, attuned and high value guys will not fall in love with, nor stick around for a woman who makes him initiate contact 80% of the time.
It’s a manipulative, value extracting way to play the game of the chase.
What way do we want to play the game of the chase? With value-adding ways!
Because only the guys who are low value, and who are out looking for attention and validation who will tolerate this nonsense.
It’s the men who aren’t looking for a trustworthy long-term partner and are busy chasing tail will fall for such short-sighted tactics.
The women who can make a man fall in love and form a pair bond with them are the ones who come out winners in the game of love.
The ones who play short-term tactics just to make themselves feel significant today, without considering the cost tomorrow, will lose the prize of a great relationship, and a man’s total commitment.
By the way, I know I mentioned this earlier, but I’m going to say it again for those who are skimming.
If you’d like to make men recognize you as an indispensable “keeper”, check out our program High Value Mindsets. (The promise of this program is to give you the ability to “trade in” your anxiety and insecurities for self esteem, self worth and intrinsic confidence, so that no one will ever take you for granted & high value men will recognise you as an indispensable “keeper”.)
Use the leaning back principle
So the leaning back principle has been around for a while. I’ve written an article on it that became quite popular: The 9 Dangers Of Leaning Back & Why It’s NOT Feminine.
Now, not every woman uses leaning back in a relationship to get a guy to chase her.
Some women use the strategy as a way to get back in touch with their own life and their feelings. And that’s fair enough!
But we have to consider the context in which most women give or need the advice to lean back.
Many women use leaning back only after they’ve initiated contact far too much. In other words, they’ve missed or perhaps even ignored the signs he doesn’t want a relationship, and chased a man.
More often than not, the advice given to lean back is usually given to women who have already chased a man.
In other words, a woman who has already chased a guy needs the advice to lean back more, and it resonates with her more.
Because it helps her regain her bearings and her dignity.
Not only that, women often use the leaning back strategy to feel less out of control.
In other words, they use it to basically control their feminine vulnerability. And that comes with a cost as well.
If you use leaning back as a way to get in touch with yourself and your feelings, fantastic!
But many women don’t.
These are the things that make this type of strategy seem less like just an innocent strategy to just feel your own emotions and focus on your own life.
Leaning back for many women, has become damage control. They sleep with a guy too soon, or they’ve been chasing him, and then they want to lean back.
Yes, that’s damage control.
There’s nothing wrong with damage control. But think about it.
If this is the context a lot of women use leaning back in, then what are they really trying to achieve?
They’re trying to regain their feeling of dignity, self worth and value.
And it can work to regain dignity, but it doesn’t change the nature of the interactions these women have already had with the man.
Leaning back is a tool for the beginner. It is only when you delve deeper and understand more about attraction, that you realize that there’s even better, high value methods to build real emotional attraction and emotional connection with men.
This is also why it’s so important to be aware of low value actions versus high value actions.
Consider the 7 common signs a woman is low value in the eyes of men…
CLICK here to discover the 7 common signs that a woman is perceived as low value in the eyes of men in this special report. (Why is this important? Because men and women perceive value very differently and you don’t want to be making mistakes that would cause quality men to dismiss, abandon or alienate you.)
Play hard to get
Playing hard to get, on the surface, seems to have the benefit of exciting a guy.
This is because it draws out the process of waiting for and eventually obtaining his “reward”, which is you.
This is the reason why so many men and women claim that “guys love the chase.”
When a reward is delayed in its delivery, this prolongs the activity of dopamine cells, causing more dopamine to be sent to the natural reward centers of the brain.
They say that love that is easily obtainable is not valued.
A ‘prize’ that is easily obtainable is not valued.
However, most women (and men) who play hard to get really don’t understand a couple of simple things about love and dating.
- That playing hard to get in the way most people do it is a value extracting way to make someone do what you want them to do. And;
- That not every woman who plays hard to get has any value to men.
This strategy only works if the “prize” has any actual value to men.
Remember, just because we think we are the prize, doesn’t mean that our ideal guy thinks we are.
It also doesn’t mean that HE can perceive that we are a prize through the way we show up. Remember, if you want men to perceive you as a prize, then you need to show up with value and lead with value.
Again. That’s LEAD with value. Not entitlement. Not your rules for him. But value.
Plus, without any actual connection with the guy, the reward of the “prize” he wants is really just company and sex. Without a real connection, all you have is lust, excitement and superficial games.
Just remember: if you play hard to get and he chases you, you could still be duped by the guy, even if you think you’re the one in control.
Because the guy may have only just wanted you for sex, not a relationship.
In that case, you could think what you did ‘works’, but really, it’s actually just a small blunder along the way.
You have to understand men and what they perceive value in in order to have any hope of playing hard to get working for you.
Games like playing hard to get only work in the hands of women who navigate these strategies with intelligence, not fear, or desperation or need for control.
How women try to get control with playing hard to get…
See, if you’re like many women, here’s what you will do.
You decide that to gain more power and control in the situation, your best bet is trying to play hard to get.
Quick side note: my husband David wrote a beautiful article on ‘The person Who Cares Less Has The Most Power. Is It Actually True?’
But does playing hard to get from a place of fear, trying to control and desperately hold onto that control, actually add value to the guy?
Does playing hard to get from a place where you add nothing to the actual connection and attraction in the relationship, add any value to the guy?
Or are you just extracting something for yourself?
I don’t care how much dopamine you think you might be triggering inside of the man’s brain.
If you play hard to get because you’re scared deep down inside, you won’t have any clue how to calibrate yourself.
Calibrate yourself means – you won’t know when to stop. You won’t know how much is too much.
You won’t even realize if the relationship with the guy is of any true value to you long term!
More importantly, you won’t know where the guy is really at and what he’s really feeling.
So again, if you’re going to play nature’s competitive love game (which we all do), then you need to be smart about it.
Do it in honour of connection and attraction. Do the right thing.
This is the secret of high value women…
Because this is where the real value is. And this is the secret of truly high value women in the dating pool.
They know that men need to feel attraction and connection before they will come close to giving you what you truly want, deep down in your soul.
The two critical elements of any romantic relationship. Attraction and connection. Focus on these.
Don’t do things just to extract some feeling of control and self esteem for yourself.
Do we want trash or do we want value?
Ok so here’s the awkward truth about playing hard to get.
Many years ago (literally 10 years ago) I made a video on this topic of playing hard to get. My husband has since made that video private on my channel, due to outdated and imperfect “production value”. (He takes his video production seriously).
In that video on playing hard to get, I used the huge trash bin as an example. Imagine a full trash bin…
Let’s say the trash at the bottom of the long and deep bin is hard to get.
Do you still care that it’s hard to get?
Does the fact that the trash at the bottom of the bin is hard to get make it higher value?
Does that trash at the bottom of the bin make you want to dig deeper, through all the other trash, to get to it?
That’s for you to answer.
Does “hard to get” mean actual value?
Imagine a low value guy playing hard to get with you. You don’t find him interesting or appealing. You don’t trust him. You don’t value him in the slightest. He’s just there.
He doesn’t make you feel proud to be around him. Yet he is trying to play hard to get with you.
Does this make you feel excited? Or are you more likely to have a bit of a laugh about it (because it’s so ridiculous)?
Another popular strategy to get him to chase you…
We are all attracted to mystery. Here’s some research that includes a section on mystery and attraction, and why mystery works.
Creating an allure of mystery is another way women try to get a man to chase them.
Again, subconsciously or consciously, a lot of women are aware that if they don’t have an air of mystery, then a man may find them boring very quickly.
So they try to create an air of mystery by withholding information. (This is due to the assumption that a man shouldn’t know everything about you.)
I once read an article from Chris Seiter where he said that it’s wise not to let a guy know everything about you. The reasoning is because a guy can’t be attracted to a girl he knows everything about.
I understand his thought process.
But that statement is really more about him than it is about the woman. Here’s why…
Nobody should or would know everything about themselves, let alone anyone else.
What he’s really saying is that no guy can fall in love with a woman who is boring as a doorknob.
He’s really saying that boring women don’t produce feelings of attraction in men. And I believe that is mostly true.
But it has little to do with information and holding back just the right amount of information.
Yes, women or men who over-reveal themselves lose mystery really quickly. But this is not about the information at all. This is about them feeling unworthy of love and connection in that moment.
The real motivator behind over-revealing ourselves
Because that’s the motivator behind over-revealing ourselves. It’s feeling unworthy of love. And by the way, if you find yourself doing this too much, this may be one of the signs that you have abandonment issues.
If you’d like to test yourself to see if you have abandonment issues, check out my article on abandonment issues here.
Feeling unworthy of love means we will be motivated by fear and tension in our body.
We want something so badly that we lose calibration to the situation, and over-reveal things that have no relevance and don’t add to the connection.
(Side note: if you do this, don’t blame yourself. Sometimes we get stuck in the pattern of over-revealing because we’re actually dealing with an abusive person in an abusive relationship. These types of people have a habit of inspiring the worst in us. Read more about abuse and toxic relationship signs in my article ‘10 Seemingly Harmless Signs Of A Toxic Relationship’.)
But the antidote to this problem of over-revealing, is not to act mysterious by trying hard to hold back thoughts or to never initiate.
It’s also not to hold back information for the sake of it.
That comes from a place of misunderstanding about where true mystery comes from.
How to get a guy to chase you: build real mystery and actually be mysterious
The antidote is to build that trait of multidimensionality within you as a woman. In other words, don’t be one dimensional.
One dimensionality is boring. Multi-dimensionality is mysterious and exciting.
Then you can relax and actually be a woman of value, rather than trying desperately to control how much interest he has in you!
By the way, there’s a difference between a man who is “interested” in you, versus a man who is serious about you. Here’s an article about this critical difference.
David has the best article I’ve ever read on how to be naturally mysterious. I recommend you read it, as it has so many insights you won’t want to miss: How to Be A Woman Of Mystery & Femining Allure.
In that article, he says:
“What you need to know for now is that you will naturally have more feminine allure once you learn what value truly is to men, and how to add value to men.
Because that is going to give you confidence and esteem in yourself and your approach.
In turn you will feel more relaxed, and suddenly that feminine allure comes through. There’s literally nothing else you need to do.”
Treat em mean, keep ‘em keen
Remember above where I mentioned that women and men in the dating pool walk a fine line of showing too much interest versus not enough interest?
Well, when you treat them mean in order to “keep them keen”, what it does is that it negates some of the expression of interest you may have previously shown.
It creates a (very poor quality) push and pull effect. It jerks them around, basically.
Yes, the adage “treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen” has some interesting science behind it.
Again, it goes back to the whole idea of dopamine receptors in the brain.
How do people treat ‘em mean in order to keep ‘em keen?
For example, If you treat a guy mean by being warm one minute and cold the next, or if you respond to him only some of the time, giving him crumbs most of the time, you have the “benefit” of creating uncertainty in the relationship (if there is even a relationship).
You can feign disinterest…
Another way people use this method is to feign disinterest.
So, instead of letting him feel your reciprocal and natural responsiveness, you pretend you’re way less interested in him (than he is in you.)
Remember Oscar Wilde’s quote from above?
“The essence of romance is uncertainty”.
By being nice sometimes, and being mean the rest of the time, you create rocky footing for your interactions with the guy.
Rocky footing = novelty. Even if it’s dangerous novelty or negative novelty.
You also actually delay the reward and prolong the adversity and the feeling of a ‘challenge’ inside of the relationship.
Here’s two interesting truths about this strategy…
- There’s ways to create uncertainty or “positive” novelty that actually add value in the long run. And thereby allow you to form a solid emotional connection with the guy; and
- There’s ways to create uncertainty that are simply for your own benefit (aka: need for control). And not for the benefit of the quality of the connection with you and him.
If you use negative methods to increase dopamine, you kill the innocence between you and a man. And when that happens, couldn’t we say that there are no winners at all?
How one woman created uncertainty in a negative way…
Here’s an example from my facebook group where a lady followed a type of ‘no contact’ rule with her ex after she realized that perhaps she initiated too much.
Notice how she used this strategy to produce a more negative type of uncertainty with the guy?
She aso used the words “punish” him in her post. That to me, indicates that her decision to not contact him comes more from a need for control, rather than real focus on attuning herself to the situation.
Have a read for yourself…
Whilst I understand wanting to gain some more control back by withholding contact, what she was doing (or the emotional place she came from) was most likely not going to allow her to create attraction and connection with him.
Rather, it’ll just allow her to feel more in control after over-initiating. Make sense?
My point is that what’s more important in this type of situation is attunement and emotional calibration to what’s actually going on in the situationship.
To help you calibrate further in your dating life, here are 6 Burning Signs He Doesn’t Want A Relationship With You.
Banter is a playful way to keep ‘em keen…
Now, there’s ways to create the effect of keeping a man keen about you through playfulness. And this works well in a long distance relationship too, because you can banter over text or video chat very easily.
This method involves “pretending” to be mean, but to most men, it’s clear that your intent is to play.
As in, instead of actually being mean, you use the art of playfulness and playful banter. It’s called high value banter and there’s a free class on it right here.
This is the whole reason we teach high value banter.
Here’s an example.
You: “Do you know what I love about you?”
You: “Absolutely nothing! “ [insertion of playful emojis is important].
When some women read this, they get scared. They say, “But that’s mean!”
Is it though?
Is it more mean than feigning disinterest, “punishing” a man, or having “rules” that say men should be the ones doing the chasing? (Just because you’re petrified of taking the risk to connect in some way?)
Some people think banter like this is negative sarcasm. The people who think this, are usually the people who don’t understand the art of playful banter.
Banter is actually a normal method of communication between humans that we naturally evolve to. If we haven’t been abused and don’t have an insecure attachment.
If you have insecure attachment, or if you have been abused, then it’s hard to evolve towards playful banter.
Instead, you stay small, fearful and weary of anything remotely “negative”, even if the other person’s body language and energy shows that they’re clearly not trying to hurt you.
If you are like me and have experienced abuse, I have a couple of articles that may help you understand your past and help you heal.
Here’s an article on gaslighting in relationships (and how to stop it).
And here’s an article on the 10 seemingly harmless signs of a toxic relationship.
When creating attraction and excitement, intention is everything
Banter is the natural, skillful way to create attraction with men. It just takes some practice.
I’ve seen best girlfriends call each other sluts. Some of the most successful couples maintain their romantic love and attraction for each other over decades due to the excitement, uncertainty and humour of banter.
It’s just playful banter. It’s playing with boundaries in a value-adding way that creates excitement.
It’s not just withholding information or communication to try to “be mysterious” and feel in control.
It’s a skill. And that’s why hardly anybody teaches it. It requires real value and real vulnerability on your part to understand it and practice it.
This is why my husband teaches methods such as throwing attraction pebbles. It’s a high value way to create romantic tension and attraction.
By the way, on the topic of creating romantic tension, would you like to know one thing you can say to a man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity, and make him hang onto every word you say?
Find out what this one special phrase is, here.
Popular methods are popular because they take no understanding or skill
This is why leaning back, having “rules and standards”, feigning disinterest, playing hard to get, and rotational dating are so much more popular.
They may or may not provide short-term results without adding to your own value, or adding value to the connection you have with a man.
With high value banter, you’re taking the chance to not only add value to the connection in the relationship. You actually also weed out the low esteemed men and the manipulative, narcissistic mean in the process.
Because it’s these types of men who cannot handle banter. They are too afraid and they live too small. Here’s an article on does high value banter work on every man?
Here’s a free class on high value banter. My husband takes the class and he’s brilliant.
Most methods to get men to chase cause more disconnects
Most women and men don’t use the art of banter to get someone to chase them, because they never developed the skills to do so.
Instead, they actually create more disconnects through withholding contact and initiation, solely for their own gain.
Again, this is just negative novelty that will at some point, make someone think you’re a horrible person.
That is NOT going to create a relationship.
That is NOT going to make a guy value you.
More importantly, the types of guys that this works on, are the guys who already have poor self esteem, or the guys who are ok with (or oblivious to) the abuse involved.
Do you see what I’m getting at now regarding value-extracting techniques and value-adding techniques?
If you’re not sure, that’s probably because I haven’t explained it properly. So let me explain ever so briefly.
When you want a guy to chase you, what you really want is for him to value you and to feel attracted to you.
To do that, you need to create fun, novelty and/or uncertainty.
Most people know intuitively that the novelty and uncertainty is important in dating.
Make him chase you in a high value way
But what most people do not understand, is that there’s a good way to do it and a bad way to do it.
There’s a high value way to do and a low value way to do it. Here are 3 traits to avoid to be a high value woman to men.
The only way to do it as a high value woman, is to have the humility and care to develop the skills to create that uncertainty.
ACTUAL skills and understanding.
Not just weird rules like the 80/20 rule or leaning back.
There’s no skill in the 80/20 rule. It’s just a rule.
There’s no skill in holding back out of fear. That’s just fear.
Actual skills that emanate through understanding and care for what you’re trying to achieve for yourself and your future, are where the real value is at.
Because if you keep extracting value from men, if you keep putting the emotional connection and emotional attraction last in the name of “keeping him interested”, you will pay a terrible price.
A price, I would argue, that you may wish you never had to pay.
Because here’s something important to know about ‘treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen’….
Only the women who don’t care for a guy could accomplish the idea of ‘treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen’ long term.
Anyone who cares about the connection with the person they are interested in, couldn’t do it.
Much more importantly, anyone who is falling in love couldn’t do it. Because being in love makes you attuned to your lover and have empathy for them.
When you have empathy, you usually would not deliberately use this kind of treatment for the sake of gaining a feeling of power or control for yourself.
And the women and men out there who are unaware that they harbour a deep well of resentment for the opposite sex and often use this strategy, are asking for it to backfire on them.
Remember, falling in love is a two-way street. It requires two people who are attuned to each other in order to eventuate.
Attunement isn’t about control in the slightest. By nature, being attuned requires you to surrender and just be. You’ll respond to what’s needed.
If your goal is to have a guy be your little b*tch, then sure, use this tactic. Plenty of women do.
But if you use it, I’m pretty sure you do not value him at all.
Rather, he’s just a toy for you to play with.
And only really stupid guys, or guys who don’t know they’re being abused, or even guys with poor attachment patterns, would tolerate this.
Also, guys who have no perceived options would allow a woman to do that to them.
Why would he have to be stupid to allow a woman to do that to him?
Because it’s the “not so aware” men who are ignoring that fact that women who treat them like this, are the same types of women who would cheat on a man or cuckold a man.
Think Jim Carrey in the movie Me, Myself & Irene. He’s funny, but oh boy, is his character naive.
And very few men are stupid enough to emotionally and financially invest in this type of woman. (The type of woman who doesn’t actually care about him.)
Remember that in relationships, we attract our reciprocal. So if we approach dating with the need to control, what do you think you will get in return?
As D.Shen often says, “play stupid games, win stupid prizes.”
Rotational dating or having a man funnel
This strategy has been around for as long as the leaning back theory has been around.
Some women claim that this is how men date (they have a rotation), so why shouldn’t women date this way?
Rotational dating is used by many women to make the guy “step up” and ask for exclusivity with her.
It is to create this idea that there’s competition for her affection, so that guys might actually be “inspired” to chase her and “claim” her.
It is also used by women to try to negate their early attachment to one man.
Quick side question.
Do you think Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn or Nicole Kidman had to resort to rotational dating?
Something to think about.
The rationale behind this rotational dating is different for different women.
Yet the most popular reasons I’ve seen for using this strategy is to try to make yourself less attached to one guy by spreading your eggs over several baskets.
It never works. Women always attach to the highest value man.
That’s in our instincts. Most of us aren’t stupid.
The distraction provided by 5 average men in your rotation isn’t enough to ‘turn off’ a woman’s feminine bias of attaching early to a man of high value.
Rotational dating triggers men to compete for your affection?
And the other big motivation for multi dating or circular dating is, (according to some), about increasing the competition for your affection.
Not only that, it’s about increasing your popularity in the man’s eyes, making him want to ‘get’ you.
But does creating an air of popularity going to change whether he actually values you for a relationship or not?
Imagine a woman putting a terrible quality profile picture up on facebook. It’s blurry, and it’s hard to discern the features of her face or the quality of her facial expression in the photo.
Imagine that she attracted 750 likes for this profile photo.
Now imagine that another woman puts up a stunning picture for her facebook profile photo.
She’s smiling, happy, and clearly very beautiful. You can see the life in her soul through her sparkling eyes.
Alas, this stunning profile photo only gets 27 likes.
The first photo looks far more popular than the second photo.
But which photo has the most intrinsic value?
It depends who you ask. But there’s really only one truthful answer.
Of course the second one!
It doesn’t matter how popular the first profile photo seems, the value of it didn’t increase due to the likes it got.
(Also, there’s lots of narcissistic people out there who have successfully attracted a clan of minions who are desperate for the narcissist’s approval and abusive treatment. Making them the perfect types of people to want to like such a photo!)
It’s much better to have fewer likes on your photo, but the likes are from high value people, than it is to have a bunch of low value fake friends to make your profile picture seem higher value.
Not to mention, likes can be bought. Popularity can be bought and faked.
If you care about looking popular enough, you’ll find a way to do it. In fact, a little bit of money can go a long way for looking popular.
There’s plenty of Ahkmeds, Mustafas and Muhammads out there on facebook waiting to give you a like in return for a buck.
The same goes for an auction for a house.
One lady once said to me, something that went like this…
“But it’s like being at an auction for a house. If there’s more people at the auction bidding, then you clearly see the popularity of the house and are willing to bid higher for it.”
I acknowledged her comment and told her that no matter how many people are there bidding for the house, it doesn’t change the intrinsic value of the house.
If the house has a leakage that’s causing a massive mould problem, its popularity doesn’t change the mould problem.
Trying to make a house seem more popular doesn’t increase the real value of the house in the eyes of an educated buyer.
We also can’t forget that humans bid on houses at all different times, for all kinds of reasons.
It doesn’t mean they’re all in love with the house, nor that they are making a good financial decision by bidding on it.
In fact, when it comes to investing your money, trusting the judgement of a pack of average folk isn’t always the best idea.
Maybe there’s far less people at an auction for one particular house because it’s a well built and expensive home, in an expensive area.
An expensive area that the vast majority of the population cannot actually afford to bid on.
So of course less people will show up. They know they can’t afford it, so why waste their time?
Popularity is not a game you want to play
…in order to get a guy to invest in you.
Perhaps it’s a game you want to play if you want average guys to chase you in the short-term, for no real long-term gain on your part.
In fact, very few women can get 5 or more 10 out of 10 guys chasing her, and lining up to be in her rotation. It doesn’t work that way.
The 10s will disappear fast. They’ll also disappear faster, if the woman was successful in trying to fake her detachment from the man who is a 10.
Remember, a 10 won’t be after your detachment. He’ll be after what’s valuable for him in a relationship.
A woman who fakes things to try to detach is in fact one big red flag for a guy who is looking to commit and invest.
As for having a rotation to get a guy to chase you, for most women, the best they could do is to get about 10 average or below average guys to seemingly line up for her.
That’s going to make no difference to a high value guy’s opinion of you at best.
And at worse, it’s going to make him trust you less.
Because what kind of woman gives her valuable time, energy and attention to 5 or more average joes?
From a man’s perspective, just because you’re trying to fake the feeling of having more options, doesn’t mean that he’s going to perceive that you have more options.
So, focus not on popularity to get him to chase you, but on value.
Remember, smart men carry the knowledge of their male ancestors that came before them. They know what’s intrinsically valuable when they see it.
They don’t need you to have a bunch of guys vying for your attention in order to secure their judgement.
Does this mean that you should only date or talk to one man at once? No. Remember that it’s ok to date more than one guy at once.
As I said in my article “8 Shocking Reasons Why Rotational Dating Can Be Low Value”, it’s somewhat normal to be seeing more than one guy at once, if that’s just what’s happening in your life right now.
It’s another entirely to try to make him chase you by creating an image of popularity and desirability through the strategy of rotational dating.
You might be able to trick yourself for a while, but the truth is: that will likely come at the price of showing loyalty.
Remember, any man who gets your time should have earned it.
He shouldn’t just get your time (or your interest) just because you want to use him to try to attach less to some other guy!
Get a man to value you with genuine value, not due to being a basket case
You’ve probably noticed by now, the message I’m sending to you.
If you want a guy to chase you, there’s many methods you can use to your detriment.
Yet there are also methods (or skills) you can develop that are authentic, and actually raise your value as a woman.
You can make him chase you from a low value place or from a high value place.
Don’t get him to chase you, get him to value you instead
I would argue that there’s a better question than “how to make him chase you.”
Instead, the better question is:
“How to make him value me?”
Because as I said before, a man who values you, will invest in you.
If you can make him realize your value by just being a high value woman, you’ll have a much better time connecting with men.
A man who chases you, could be chasing you for a multitude of different reasons.
Some of those reasons are NOT good for you. At all.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting more influence over how men treat you. In fact, I’d argue that this is a smart endeavour.
You just have to think long-term. Don’t do silly things that make you look low value, because you’re too busy extracting value for yourself.
I understand that dating feels hard.
But even today, you have more opportunities than ever. If you play the game right, you can win it easily. Because remember, men know what value is.
And if a little control and dignity is all you want, then you cannot go wrong with developing the dark feminine art and skill of high value banter.
Do you know the dark art of “High Value Banter” that helps you quickly weed out the wrong types of men and create emotional attraction with the “BEST of MEN”? CLICK HERE to learn how in this free class.
How to balance showing too much interest versus showing not enough interest?
At the end of the day, as a woman your challenge in dating will always be “how do I show just the right amount of interest?”
Here’s an example of the struggle women have…
The answer is two-fold.
You balance it by focusing on the right goal: to build your own intrinsic value.
And to focus on the only two things that matter: Attraction and connection.
Because when you focus on the things that matter, suddenly you become a woman of value to men. You also realise that this is not just about control, it’s about value-adding.
Why do men disappear when I show interest in them?
I’ve heard over and over again from women…
“Why is it that when I show interest in a man, he disappears?”
Here’s a few examples…
So why do men disappear when you show interest in them?
Firstly, they don’t disappear specifically when you show interest in them. They disappear when they sense the interest is coming from a particular place within you.
The answer to this question is to first realize that most people are very good at noticing if the other person has options in their life or not.
We’re also very good at sensing when someone else doesn’t value their own time.
So, even if you do have lots of options, but you give away your time and attention easily, here’s what men sense or see.
What men sense is a lack of exclusivity in the way you give your time and attention away.
And men don’t like that. It’s a sign of disloyalty.
See, the point of dating for a man and a woman is to prove your value to each other in the initial stages.
And in the initial stages you both have your radars on. You’re both sussing out each other’s value.
With that said, if you both haven’t proven any value to each other yet, then why should a woman give away her time and attention to a man?
He may wonder…maybe she hasn’t got anything better to do?
The solution is to remember one important thing:
If you’re going to show interest, ask yourself if that interest has been earned.
So if you ever wonder if you should express your interest to a man, ask yourself “has it been earned?”
If you read the above screenshots, you may suspect that in one of them, the woman was “doing the right thing” in terms of reciprocating interest.
And there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s a beautiful trait to have, of honesty and kindness.
Yes there’s a “however”.
And the “however” is here because reciprocating interest. is a great thing, but showing interest for the sake of it is bad.
If a guy hasn’t earned your interest in any way, he may start to wonder why you’re giving away value for no real reason.
This may sound complicated. But it’s not when you think about it. It’s actually simple.
You just make sure that you show your value by not giving away attention and time just for the sake of being the nice woman.
Remember, guys don’t care about your need to stay true to your identity of “being nice”.
In fact, if you’re nice to every guy, you’re nice to no guy.
(Remember above we talked about being multidimensional? So it’s ok to not be nice when it’s right.)
How do you know if a man has earned your time and attention?
When there’s a solid connection and sense of attunement between you.
(Side note: expect to be out of attunement with a guy at some point. The key is to see your mutual willingness to be attuned.)
The way a guy can earn your attention is also through banter.
Use high value banter, and you will start to see very quickly, whether there are any red flags about this man, (and therefore you shouldn’t give your time and attention away to him).
And you’ll see also very quickly which of the men are willing to be in attunement with you.
Play playful GAMES from a playful place...
…Not games played to extract maximum value.
In conclusion, try to remember that your task is to become a woman of intrinsic value.
It’s not the game playing that is bad here. It’s the negative methods men and women use to try to extract value from each other that is bad.
Play the game using value-adding methods and you will see your love life changed forever.
Lead with playfulness, and bring out the playfulness in men.
I hope you enjoyed this article and I will speak to you soon!
Leave me a comment below with your feedback too. I read every comment!
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